And so I killed my twin

I could not endure it anymore. It was like a part of me dying slowly. He wanted to live but in a disgusting manner. She won’t go out of him. He won’t allow that to happen. Always searching for that one communication and the answer to one question was agonising him.

The enormous pain which I could feel was not letting me live. Being a part of him, I could know what he was going through. I was seeing him dying every single moment but with no chance of that freedom.

Making the thoughts of a failed relationship his only companion was something that would eventually pull off that last breath out of his body. Even that gusto of air was constituted of those moments which he thought were eternal.

But eternal is nothing. Nothing lasts forever. That is what I would try to say to him. Consoling him to let it go and look for beauty of the nature and the world around him and search for a reason to survive.

Plenty of beautiful things around us make our life worth living even if the death was inevitable. That would not make any sense to a person who loved once and perhaps only time.

Giving all he had only to be dejected and depressed. I am not sure if that state of mind is depression or dejection or anything negative. If it was so he would not be enjoying it. May be he could have committed suicide.

He felt different. Something which everybody feels but can’t explain. Science and medicine give it a name and people start making definitions and over a period of time it becomes a stereotype.

That twin of mine was in pain but he loved it. I thought he is suffering but he found something good in it.

At the same time he would cry, call his friends, go into solitude, won’t talk to me, won’t discuss anything… Just it was he and him with himself in a platonic world hoping that on some good day something good will happen and it was worth waiting for.

Sure, she was worth waiting for but both of us knew it won’t happen. It was like setting your alarm clock every night hoping that you will be alive next morning as if nothing could kill you that day.

I became sure that she is not going to come. She has had her share of life with him and was busy with somebody else. I kept getting reports that she was with that guy and this guy and tried telling him.

He believed me but still waited.

It started taking a toll and he started losing weight. Memory started gradually fading (on his standards). He would eat less, won’t go anywhere, won’t socialise… Just a wait, a long, long wait. An unending wait with perks of added agony and angst.

At times he would get angry on why did he do that. I would say it happens with everyone and he was not the first. He took something very seriously whereas she was smart enough to take it causally.

The intimacy which they both shared was something very spiritual for my twin but of a lesser and perhaps negligible degree to her. He believed it brought him closer to her soul and she thought it was good fun.

I could sense that feeling from the girl the moment she pronounced those deadly word on his phone and subsequent months. She asked him to move on as she did. But it was deadly on someone whose world was centred on her.

It was like snatching something from a kid who believes that is everything he owns and there is no existence without that ‘thing’.

That ‘thing’ was brutally taken away from him without an explanation.

“Look at you… what have you made of yourself! If not for me but live for your mother, father and sister… Will they ever be happy knowing what you are going through…”


“Answer me and don’t stand and stare in to the ground. This people call ‘giving in’. Instead of fighting those feelings which had made you weak, you are preserving them to harm you. Get away from it.”

“What should I do? Delete her images, mails, posts…. Memories? Can they ever be deleted? Those were the best days of my life…”

“Oh! And what about the last 25 years you spend with your family? What about that father who did everything to make ends meet for the family but let you live like a prince? What about that mother? What about that sister? And what about me? I am a nobody? Are they all suddenly irrelevant just because of that bitch of yours?”

“Don’t call her ‘that’.”

“Aaah… Then will you define what was she if not a bitch who keeps going everywhere…”

“She was not like that. She loved me…”

“Loved you? Is this state of yours called being loved? You are screwed and she is the sole reason of it. I don’t understand why can’t you realise and accept this.”

“Because I love her and cherish all those days…”

“Bullshit… And what about her? I hear she was at a cinema with a ugly guy chatting with all ease. She got another of her many companies… Why don’t you get it. She just had her share with you. Even when with you she didn’t break up with her last boyfriend. Does that not make any sense to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to know. You don’t have the bloody guts to know. You are a coward who is fearful of the reality.”

“I am not a coward. I am not fearful…”

“Yes, you are. You have to accept that she was not worthy of guys like you who are too much involved into a relationship. She was looking for some fun. I hope you understand ‘fun’… Do you? Now you are away, she is having fun with someone else… Simple!”

“Don’t give me this again. I don’t want to hear your logic. I want to be alone… Leave me alone. Go away…”

That discussion went on for long before I decided to do what I always feared.

“Damn it! I will end this all. I will end it soon… let me help you with this…”

Those were the last words I said to him. I could not take it anymore. I wanted to end this all and that’s what I did.

I jumped on his frail body and before he could say anything, strangled him. I could still hear his fading sound of the struggle… that sound which couldn’t come freely from his vocal chords.

Lying on the floor, face down, clutching his neck in the struggle to live, he died after sometime.

I killed him to set him free and make him understand and feel in death- what he could not, in life. RIP.


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