My relationships: Non serious, serious and live-in

It is refining and a purifying experience for the soul. It synchronises two hearts, the beats, the breath, the pulse, the rush of blood, the vibrations and shivers of the bodies. It all becomes one. A single experience where the worldly notions of time and space are tossed to the worldly notions of time and space

I have had my share of relationships. Non serious, serious, live in, virtual… all of them. The non serious one was non serious since its inception and went on for some three years followed by a gap of one year when I fell in to a serious one.

Non serious ones are good. You don’t have much to worry about. You don’t feel the need to accompany her for her shoe shopping. You just hang up saying you have better works to do. You really don’t care and neither does she. You meet up, eat up and fool around.

Serious relations have their own reminiscences. They carry their own rippling effects on the individuals. If it fails, it either liberates you or breaks you apart or does both where latter occurs earlier. I had the third experience.

It lets you grow and as one of my colleagues say, you must date at least three people before going for the fourth. Her logic is very simple: all the mistakes you could commit would have been already committed with the first three. You will be a refined individual on the turf of relationship.

This end game (serious stuff) was followed by another year of a conscious dry run as I was not in a position to love even myself let alone a girl! And then there were some romances in bits and pieces.

Any way, one of the most vigorous experiences came when I chose to live in with a girl totally foreign to our culture and ways. It was the result of a conscious choice between both of us where emotions were not to be involved.

But then, how to control them. It is very easy to say and fool yourself while even saying that there won’t be any emotions involved but you tend to allow it to take over you. Very confident over myself, thinking I was one of the most logical human beings alive, I went in.

You can find the story here.

We lived together for three months till she was to go to her home country. It was only when I saw her the last time at airport and was returning, I realised that I was crippled by my own emotions. There was a constant search for her in the tangible and intangible worlds.

It was as if a very vital component of my being was gone. It started as a pure physical phenomenon intended to end as such but it consumed both of us. She even once asked me whether I loved her? To which I ‘consciously’ replied it was weird to think so as we were in the act.

She never asked that question again. But when she left I realised that I had very strong feelings for her. All that which was pure physical aspect, the only aspect, became the single aspect of that relationship. There was nothing more to it. It was as consuming an experience for me as it can ever be.

Sex is a very spiritual experience. It takes you to realms of mind which you generally never ever even tangentially barge around. It gives you that momentary bliss when the world becomes non existent. It feels as if there is a complete absence of every single thought that I ever thought. You can’t think even if you want to.

It is refining and a purifying experience for the soul. It synchronises two hearts, the beats, the breath, the pulse, the rush of blood, the vibrations and shivers of the bodies. It all becomes one. A single experience where the worldly notions of time and space are tossed to the worldly notions of time and space.

I haven’t had any experience that makes me get anywhere closer to that eventual bliss. This bliss used to happen with that girl where I assumed it was all physical.

When I look back at it, it has been a year, I think those three months, however physical it was, was the most emotional experience I had. And I realised only when I was suddenly out of it.

When I analyse on the serious affair, I was more a consumer who had some parameters for the girl. I was looking for a poet, an artist, a person who could match my own abilities and apprehend whatever trash or enlightening words I spoke.

All I got was a girl. I couldn’t change her. I was more in control of my mind which was dictating terms. I never attempt to change someone and I think I can’t. Love has to have a space, a room of one’s own. I needed to give the girl that space and it was totally on her to realise where and how much dent I could make in that space and vice versa.

But with this girl, I had no aspirations, no apprehensions, no parameters. Unconditional coexistence. You do your stuff, I do mine and let’s sleep together. The idea of non-awareness of each other and not caring for the information exchange at the end of the day made it a very easy going thing.

We would talk about condition of women, gender bias, the society, the rock songs that she heard… It was very intellectual thing as opposed to going to malls and watching shitty films together ordering and sniffing up a salad that cost too much.

That relationship has made me a finer human being. I can see things in totality. I can analyse relations in much clearer ways. I can now let myself know what I want and whether or not that want be converted in to a very existent thing: the girl, that girl which is worthy of being loved unconditionally.

I can’t speak on behalf of any of these girls. I don’t know what the non serious or serious or the live in girl thought of it. I have no authority on them. And I never actually cared to ask. It is a very individual thing and people have different approach to it.

In an era when the romance has become something very romantic, getting in to this kind of relationship where you don’t have conditions or strings attached but have an enriching and brimming experience, is surreal.