Those ‘friends’ we all have on Facebook

Facebook turned ten this month. It is a rage among youth (youth means UN defined youth, till 35 years of age. Youth doesn’t mean Rahul Gandhi kind.) Facebook is all about having friends and posting text, images, videos and links. Some actually post on notes as well. I admire them for making use of that app in Facebook.

Without going too deep in to what Facebook is or does, let me tell you what this article is all about. This article is about various categories of people who are on Facebook. This is about those friends which we all have and who do at least one of these things which I am about to list.

There is this one type of our friends who ‘Works at Student’.

One type will be who posts ‘good morning friends’ almost thrice a week without getting a like or comment.

Another kind is which claims to show basic photoshop/editing skills to make his DP ‘path breaking’ (at least to him).

This one is the ‘kewl’ kind. At times they try hard to become cool by writing: maah lyf suks, why diz hapn2me???

A new breed is also cropping up who writes something weird beneath a #number whether or not someone actually inboxed him/her that number: #2745 tu badi achchhi bandi hai, tere saath Goa ke wo din hamesha yaad rahenge, tere kutte ko walk par le jana meri lyf ka high point tha, par pata ni kyo tu mese ab baat ni karti! (#2745 You are a good girl, I still remember going to Goa with you. Taking your dog for a walk was the high point of my life. But I don’t know why you don’t talk to me anymore!)

Another one is of the girls who laugh at some idiot’s expense by answering to ask.fm questions: Oh plzzzzz…. I dun drnk… Ok? So dun ask diz qn!!!

Another one is the loner or may be stoned! This type of your friend would keep up late and occasionally post: anyone online? At most the answer he would get is in form of choicest of abuses like: wt da fuk r u doin diz late? At most the answer SHE would get is: Oh hi, what’s up? And they would chat for long on the post itself not realising that Mark has made ‘chat’ app as well! And the guy who writes, “Oh hi…” is the same guy who wrote: anyone online?

A new one champions itself in stalking profiles and liking a post from 2010 where the victim had apparently planned to commit suicide or was madly in love: U r d luv of mah lyf (and this guy will write: achchha? Kaun hai wo, humein bhi batao (really? Who is she, tell us please). And the poor guy will have to do lot of explaining to his current girlfriend)

Another one is related to last one, who looks for a supposedly awesome image from past and would write: OMG, did I look like this!!! Hawwww!!!! And by that act of hers the post will again feature on timeline and garner likes in tens/minute with occasional comment: OMG, U r hawwt biaaaatch…!!!!

Another one is girl specific: the duck faces. I would request to report those girls to Mark Zukerberg who don’t have a duck face image in their albums and have put ‘female’ as their gender. You don’t know what a duck face is? Open that window (not Windows 8) and jump….

This one is gender specific as well, I call it the ‘breasties’ where two girls, unknowingly, would stand straight with their hands on waist and their breasts touching each other’s while their shoulders repealing each other’s making a Y symbol. Oxford dictionary should make it (breasties) the new word. And it must win word of the year 2014.

There will always be ‘that’ guy who likes all the images of a girl in one day. I advice you to note it somewhere that he is frustrated or madly in crush with you.

One class is, very limited though, that changes it’s profile pick almost thrice a week and a minute percentage of them would do it almost daily and there will be a religious stalker who would be the first to like it every time.

There will be these two guys/girls who will have a pact that they would like and comment on each other’s posts, come what may (I and a dear friend Alakh Sundaram have one such pact, in writing. We have been friends since 1997!)

One of our friends have to be the one who doesn’t have even one decent photo for profile pic. He (girls don’t have this issue) would have weird selfies with distorted face, big nose, ears like that guy from Harry Potter… Girls are smart, they would pose in front of their larger than house mirrors and take snaps and the guys will go bananas.

This type, the one I am going to write, constitutes 93% of girls on Facebook. This is the polite kind. They will make sure not a single person, guy or girl, is left without being thanked with a heart shape kiss coming out of the yellow faced emoticon, if he or she has liked or commented on her photo.

One type is, perhaps, paid by YouTube! These people would just post YouTube videos. The video won’t be accompanied by any commentary on timeline. And all that happens in their lives is that they watch YouTube videos and religiously post the link. I don’t know… may be some baba or sadhu told them to do this!

Another kind is the intellectual kind. This type would keep posting news/article links from NY Times, CNN, BBC, FirstPost, Huffington Post etc and write a two-line summary (which you would think are his words but, believe me, 76% of the time it is the two lines taken from the article itself. Check it sometime. I know you have that friend.)

One type is the criticiser. Whatever good or bad happens this guy will say, “No, this is not the way. There are poor people dying every fukin’ day! What the hell is this government doing?” This type will keep posting angry posts. It will keep substantiating with various events happening in and around the world. These people are, by a large portion of Facebook population, believed to be thinkers.

One type is the mocking type. They will look for posts all around and study closely so as to come up with articles. These are the most loved as well as the most hated ones. This type survives on other’s supposed stupidity. If all the above kinds cease to exist, this kind will commit suicide. I belong to this kind.

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