The more the days are passing, the more disenchanted I am becoming. This disenchantment is from almost everything. No, I am not feeling suicidal. Not yet. I have realised, over a period of time, that things don’t matter. Or, to put in different way, I don’t matter to things.
It is the Dickensian ‘Hard Times’ kind of a feeling when everything has a pattern to it… a sound to it. The rhythm of the breath to the unconscious taps on a footpath, everything has the same signature tune everyday. Everyday is the same day, everything is the same thing and everyone is the same one.
Nothing changes. Why? I have no idea. Am I happier or sadder? I have no idea. It is constant for me. As ‘artificial intelligence’ is moving to get more humane, I am moving towards becoming more mechanical. What an irony!
I have a few friends, I have a family who I talk to, good colleagues who I work with. But am I going anywhere with them all? No. Not a single inch. Am I getting any better at anything? Maybe yes. But the question is: Will that betterment help me in longer run? Perhaps, no.
The hoarded negativity that I encounter (and, perhaps, express) all around has had a crippling effect on my growth as a human. I even tried giving in. I even tried to conform. I even tried to become something else. I failed unwittingly, all the times. Even when I don’t want to be the part of a process, I have no authority to get out of it. There are situations that you can’t control, rather situations control you, all the time. I am just sucked in into a place and then, when I get comfortable with it, by sheer will of some individual, I am thrown out unrepentantly.
I am just functioning somehow. Like a well oiled machine or a properly cooled computer, I am working smoothly. I am working fine because my processes are governed by someone else. Someone wants something to be done via me, and I get it done. I will keep getting it done because that’s what I promised or am meant for.
Machines have its gears worn out over a period of time. Processors accumulate bad data in the system. The heat starts melting the guts of a system. One day the machine fails. It just stops functioning.
It barely exists. I don’t want to exist that way.